Ups and Downs..beyond the scale

It's been a while since I posted. But, that's because I've been busy creating posting fodder.

I have been sliding a bit on the Whole 30 reset. I had lost some good weight there after Christmas and if I were to weigh today, I'm hovering around 20 lbs down I think. 

I got sick and there was just too much to take care of. I also go swept off my feet completely.

I met a girl that shook me to my foundation. She was perfect. Everything that I'd ever wondered was out there. It just turns out that she wasn't able to be with a woman. It's so confusing too because she described it as opposite to what I am. I can't connect intimately with men but I find them attractive. It's really sad, like I'm feeling a huge loss. But, as usual, I am brushing myself off and keep trying to be positive and believe that the universe has a plan for me. It's hard to think like that when the world is in the shape it is in and so full of hatred and terror...like how selfish is it that I want a happy life? That statement reeks of the disgusting privilege it carries. But, good breeds good right? I have to believe this or I'd get depressed and never come out of it. 

Amos Lee says it best: 

"I don't want to see you again, I don't want to feel your breath, as you leaned on me so peacefully while we slept...And, I'll do my best, just to forget the dreams we dreamt." 

Isn't it really that what it's all about? There are all these rules around dating and falling in love but none of it belongs to reason. You fall for someone in proportion to the dreams they bring to your heart. To the connection and possibility you feel they bring to make your life something extra. The ability to look into the future and see them there. The ability to find enough peace to nap together and feel like you are in the best place you could possibly be.

I should have known when she didn't know what Blundstones were. Next time, there will be a skill testing question before I engage with a very powerful girl without labels. 

Now I'm left to find the lesson. If it wasn't to find the person who is to be my future...why did it shake me up? Maybe to just know that there were good things out there. Maybe to let me unleash the OCD grip on myself that I can be good enough for someone without being perfect? Maybe to learn how little weight matters when real connection is there. This girl was probably the biggest person I'd ever dated and I thought she was so stunning and it wasn't even the slightest bit of importance. So, maybe that's the lesson. The lesson is that if I can fall head over heels for someone regardless of body type, than maybe someone could do the same for me? I sure hope so. I need something good like that to happen soon, I'm getting old and I don't want to spend my life alone.

Having that thought, I remembered Peter Davidson's Gift of the Hit. I have to go read that book. He reminds us that when shitty things happen, we have two choices: attitude of gratitude or stinkin thinkin. I am wired to defer to stinkin thinking (self pity) but I have made a life's commitment to be more open to the positive. I really believe that happiness is a choice and there is no one more determined to find theirs than me. Then, I dawdled to Peter's site and ended on his page about the Mussenden Temple and now I truly believe that I am being directed to visit there while I'm in Ireland in September, it wasn't on my original itinerary so that's surely something. Maybe if I wish for my happiness on a dream sheet and stick it in that magical place, I'll find my family that I want so badly. Not a bad idea. A good afternoon's work, if you ask me.

Wow.

Well, here I am one month later. I have not gained any back, and I've lost just about a pound or 2 since the last post.

I took it easier on myself through the rest of December and the holidays. I had to. I didn't slip or slide...I just let it be and worked my best while not watching things as closely.

I'm now into the first week of my second round of whole 30 and I'm stricter. I like that I took a bit of a break and didn't gain too badly.

I have been easing into the New Year. Coming home was full of sadness...an empty house and all that. I have a roommate now and while I didn't know how I would feel about it, I think it is a good thing.

The next part of my goal is to keep cooking and taking care of the house while expanding to getting back into the evening walk and to get back to the gym for CrossFit. I also need to continue the momentum with recipes and weekend clean eating (which hasn't really been a problem) so I am well prepared for those times when I'm busy.

I have ordered a new stove and I have to say, I'm pretty excited about it. My old stove is kind of in it's decline and takes longer than things should to cook. I now have a true convection oven that also does dehumidifying etc. I'm excited to be able to cook things faster and slower, depending on what is needed. And, as usual, I will continue with my trusty slowcooker about 3x a week for the big cuts of meat that I can only seem to cook well in there.

The types of things I've been eating are:

Balsamic Roast Beef (Slowcooker)
http://www.primallyinspired.com/crockpot-balsamic-roast-beef/
Scotch Breakfast Sausage Eggs
https://stupideasypaleo.com/2013/11/23/paleo-breakfast-sausage-scotch-eggs/
Spiced Baked Chicken Drummies
http://www.sexymoxiemama.com/2015/10/21/the-best-baked-drumsticks-whole-30/
For this recipe I also tried it on pork chops and chicken breast...not so much a fan.
Apple Cider Pulled Pork 
http://whole30.com/2016/03/whole30-slow-cooker-recipes-part-three/
I did this recipe with 1 cut up apple (no apple cider), 2 T of apple cider vinegar, and 2 T of liquid hickory smoke. To DIE for. I used a rib roast as well, because that's what I have. I also used red onion.
Fajitas (strips beef and peppers and onion stir fried with this seasoning) 
http://www.thepinningmama.com/fajita-seasoning-mix-paleo-whole30-compliant/
Shepherds Pie
http://true-hw.com/blog/2016/02/11/whole-30-shepherds-pie
I also do my Shepherds Pie with some clove, nutmeg and allspice in the meat mix and cinnamon in the sweet potato for a more indian tasting dish.

The other thing I eat a lot of is steamed salmon, or poached in vinegar. Be careful about your salmon sources. I usually buy frozen at sea wild pacific. I am a bit skittish about that but I'd rather chance radiation over farmed salmon.

Sides
I've been lazy with sides. I often have baked sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, and squash. And, I did up 4 lbs of boiled beets and bottled them in just pure vinegar. So good!

I also do mashed turnip and carrots with olive oil, salt, and pepper.

I have basically been trying to stretch whatever is in the fridge until grocery day so that involves meal planning with whatever it is that I have. Usually, I will just google whatever recipe in whatever cooking way I can.

The best weightloss remedy is heartbreak...

Day 30 of Whole 30. What a journey it was.

I'm down 16.9 lbs. This is huge for me. I feel great, I have a tonne more energy and I am making it through.

I do struggle with eating meals and having appetite in the weekends but I think that is to be expected as I have to come up with an entirely new weekend routine.

My partner left. I'm sad about it. I thought that five years was basically meaning forever. But, there were always flags and I'm sure both of us would realistically be happier with people who were more like them.

Since she has been gone, I've been 100% about me. If you knew me, you'd be shocked by this revelation. It's like a toddler learning to walk.

I've been still, quiet, cleaning, listening to music, cooking and walking the dog two times a day. I take care of my needs and listen to see if I know what they are. I plan, I organize, I try to find comfort internally. It turns out that I can do that and I'm not so bad at it. I don't actually need yoga or meditation, just space, quiet and freedom from the constant barrage of criticism and micro-aggression. It takes a lot of time to do things well for yourself. To clean house, to walk the dog before daylight, to cook healthy food. But, I'm doing it. And, at the end of the day I feel better and then there is no time for my usual tv show to wind down -- but I don't need it because I'm dog tired.

I've been sad that I haven't seen more friends, but in a way it is a blessing. I am learning to do this alone. The weekends are hard but I'm doing it. I'm taking the time to get to those projects that I needed to do. I've put my house on Air BNB to try to recoup the other 50% of my mortgage payment.

There are a lot of feelings to process. A lot of things to work through. A lot of understanding.

I didn't get much help from that because one day I came home and she was gone. No conversations, explanations. Nothing. It hurts to be left like that. To be broken up with on Facebook Messenger after learning that other people knew you were done before you. But, isn't it great to try to leave behind all the shitty parts of a relationship when the ex walks out the door?

I don't know how to explain it but I think that for 5 years, I was living trying to be good enough to be loved right. Like, to be good enough to pass criticism or analysis that was constantly happening in her view of the world. To just be loved and showered with it? Perhaps I'm delusional but that's kind of how I love. I could tell you every single thing about her, I studied her and just loved her, and I wouldn't have changed a thing. She was always diagnosing me...anger problem, ADD...something always wrong when I put up fight against anything or tried to create something of my own. Of course I got angry. There were many things that I couldn't resolve that made me angry and resentful. Pulling an unequal weight while someone does some grading work and spends most of her day focused on her needs (colouring and doing yoga) while you work 2 jobs and most nights still have to cook supper and run a house would do that to anyone. To be told not to want material things and that money is a sickness, but then to see her spending more in markers and pens than you do on clothes...To be told you will never get married because she doesn't want another divorce and to learn that she talks to her ex wife for hours every week on the phone while you are at work. Yeah, that's enough to piss a person off. I don't think I have an anger problem. I think I had a putting up with shit problem that went on far too long.

Turns out, I'm quite able to focus when the negativity in my house is gone. I am able to turn up the music, turn on whatever light I want, light a candle and just be there. I get lonely, but I think that is good.

All of this change has created the perfect environment to re-invent  spoil and just let myself be. It is a long time coming, and very needed. I am good enough, no reinvention required.

Still going...

If I know one thing about myself, it's that if I'm still at something after a week or two, I'm going to give it an honest go.

This time feels like one of these times. I've been eating clean #Whole30 now since Friday. That doesn't sound that impressive but for me, it's a lot. I was away for work at a conference and really I started on October 31--Halloween. However, I went to a research conference and ate dinner at one of the 2nd best restaurants in Canada and ate the gala dinner including the chocolate cake. I also had 1 latte with sugar free syrup. This wasn't the plan but it was considered ahead of time and I was okay with making the choices I did. I minimized any damage by eating my own food the whole way there, for breakfast and lunch at the conference, not having milk/sugar/sweetener in coffees during the conference, going to the gym at the conference and drinking lots of water. I was proud of that accomplishment. Then, I started from scratch on the 3rd when I returned from NB.

That feels like a lifetime ago. Because it is hard work. There is so much cooking, packing, dishes, emptying the green bin. We still have to work and increase our amount of green veg, but Im working on it. We are also doing well at meal planning. When I say we, I really have to mean me. My partner and I are fighting about our different ideas on what helping looks like. I'm still doing more than I feel that I should, working two jobs and then the lion share of cooking. She does the cleaning. I hope I can find a way to get across the amount of help that I need. Of course, asking her to stirfry chicken at 10 last night may have been unreasonable. But, I had been working until 9 and we went for a walk before I worked again until 11. It's one of those weeks and on those weeks, sometimes you need miracle workers to step in and help you. I don't feel like I have one of those and then I get grouchy.

We spent just about all day Sunday shopping for groceries that met the recipe plan. We are already off the recipe plan because of my work commitments. I will have to spend the evening cooking to get ready. Lucky, my 2nd job (teaching) is on fall break this week. I have some time to catch up.

I've been having really bad musculoskeletal pain in my hips, low back, and butt cheeks. I'm trying to work through that and I know some of it is getting back to CrossFit and trying to do so much hard work on a body that isn't used to doing much more than walking, hiking and kayaking since 2004. I was told that if I was an olympic athlete I would probably excel at Napping. I didn't know how to take that but when someone with special needs says something like that, it is usual unfiltered honesty.

I am a sucker for every marketing ploy right now. I've been following Yuri Elkhaim on Facebook. I'm so desperate for help that I'll take anything I can get. I bought a DVD about how to open hips last night. I don't even know what it does or if it is safe, I'm just having issues there and will try anything that might help me exercise more comfortably sooner.

It is times like these, when I realize how far and slow the journey will be, that I am tempted by things like Ideal Protein. It's such a hook to hear and remember how fast and "simple" it was the first time. How quick I was able to drop 30 lbs and feel the weight off my hips and my mobility improve so quickly. That's where I'm at...I need to drop weight to feel more loose and less in pain. But, to lose weight is so hard and I have to suffer so much in the process. I just have to keep the faith and space out workouts and go for walks in between and eventually I hope my body will say "Oh, this is what we are doing now" or my medical plan will reset and I will be able to afford to see a Physio or Massage or Chiro in seek of some solutions. It's hard to find solutions when you know the answer is that your body is rebelling on your sheer size. But, I do see people bigger than me being able to exercise without pain and spasms.

One day at a time. That's how I'm looking at it right now.

Knocked down ten, get up 11.

If there was a regular reader, I'm sure you are gone now. 

I'm back. 

I find the urge to blog is strong when I get hit in the face with reality. I've been running from reality since September. 

Let's recap, shall we.

Did Ideal Protein so strictly until December 2015. Was down to my lowest weight in forever, at almost 30 lbs lost. I was pushing close to 240. It was feeling so good. Then, I went to Spain and off the wagon and onto the beer and everything else that I could enjoy. 

I returned home in late December and went through New Years and then decided to get back on plan. I don't think I was ever successful at losing another new pound and by March 11, the hammer fell and I got laid off from my job and the amount of stress around this situation drove me into a downward spiral. At first, I ate well. Then my (good--there's still probably 100-200 bucks worth of IP stuff I never really wanted to eat like tomato basil soup) supplies ran out and my money was tight. Then, I started a job painting a cottage and the coworker I had hired loved to eat junk. Next thing you know, I was having a 2 week long take out festival. 

I got hired in May 2015 at the job I'm at now. It's a beautiful job. Intense though. By summer 2015 I had put back on the first 20 lbs. Then, by Fall 2015 I found the other 5-10. And, now I've found almost 20 more. 

In March 2011, I joined CrossFit. I learned how much these pounds over 250 hurt my body and my mobility. It hurts. Christ, it hurts to stand. My lower back will not give in to massage, chiro, stretching...it just wants out. My hips are tight. There is too much weight on my front to make anything comfortable. And it is so hard, I dread it. I wish I could just be winded and muscle sore like regular people. 

My clothes don't fit. My kayak is getting tight. I'm depressed. I don't move enough, I sit at my desk too long and I don't want to go out socially anymore. And, socially, I don't have as many options as I used to. I don't even know if that is good or bad because I would just feel like it was overwhelming to have plans...that's where my head is at. 

CrossFit was great. I started on a high and was loving it. I felt affirmed. I felt like I could do it and it would be good, and different. And, I would stick to it. Then I started traveling more for work and missing crucial workouts and letting down the people who believed in me. It's hard to stay committed to something that is hard, even when you love it so much. I got too excited when my weight lifting numbers were going up and like a dumbass, I injured my wrist in July. Then I had company. Then whatever excuse I used in September, then when I was going back in October I got sick. Always something. Until it becomes this huge monster that I can't face, and the shame and embarrassment sets in. I went back last Sunday. Haven't managed to make it back last week and tonight was a write off. So, I'm determined to go tomorrow. And, Thursday. And, then, Friday and Sunday. That will still salvage the week. 

I had been given an eating plan that was working but was so labour intensive. I am embarrassed that I couldn't stick to it. I am embarrassed that I don't have that much energy to devote to this...that just showing up is a challenge and eating 6 meals of 40 g protein isn't really doable at this juncture. There is a lot of shame in this process.

Also, I have come to realize that my previous healthy relationship with food goes from some weird "reckless abandon" and "fear" cycle where I'm scared to eat stuff or just say fuck it and eat everything. I wasn't like that before. And, that's all wrapped up in the shame about how I got to be this way in the first place. I get so worked up that I just want to change everything and fast, go back to IP, try something else. But, then I get remarks about how I don't stick to anything and I feel bad about that too.

Meanwhile, I've been battling the auto immune symptoms I get when my system is in crisis. All engines are blaring and I am in an inflammatory nightmare. I haven't had a real period since June or something. My acne is on full bust. I feel awful and can't sleep enough. Piedad has convinced me to start a Whole 30 cycle with her so we can support each other. And, wouldn't you know it I'm on the road again tomorrow.

I can barely keep it all together with teaching and working and I have just taken a new job. It is always exciting and yet, so hard to stay on track with anything. I also have my family needs which are many and time consuming. And, yes, I know I just have to find 1 hour for me each day. That's the mantra isn't it? But, it's more like 3 hours per day because the prep that comes with doing it right is so involved. And, I have had no success with just doing good enough. I can't even begin to start to think about what it will be like to find a way to track what I'm eating on top of the prep and exercise.

Freaking out!

Tomorrow, I have to get up and get a work out in as early as I can manage. Then pack my clothes--maybe I should do that tonight (as I think of this, I start worrying about if I will be able to walk around in my shoes at the conference and that I need some better shoes for a fat person but they were only bought for an interview and now that has turned into my one good outfit that fits and I need the shoes for the look--which is essentially the way my brain works right now...a running list of worries and complaints and sad things to think about). Then, I have to clean the car because dog hair. Then, go to work (obviously not on time) and create my presentation for the conference I'm speaking at on Thursday. Collect P from her appointment and then drive 4 hours to Saint John New Brunswick.  I have no idea what I will wear (what I can fit into) but I know what I will eat. This is a new thing. I have been on about 10-15 work trips this year and they are huge setbacks for anything I'm trying to do well.

I have tried to be proactive. I have packed foods. Work travel is my nemesis. This time I will have no wine, no coffee, no sugar, no muffins, no bread. I have a cooler and food packed and I have a fridge in my room.

I'm back on the wagon. I got through today. I want a muffin. It's halloween and there is gum that I don't even like in my living room that is whispering to me. I will not have it and tomorrow it will be gone.

I'm going to go sooth myself in a nice bath and hope I get it all done tomorrow. I feel like I push things off hoping that tomorrow I'll have more capacity or energy. I hope this time I'm right.

Oh, what triggered this? Well, I got a new scale. It does it all. I'm 55% fat. More than half of me is fat. And, the number is depressing that I had to do something with all the pent up emotions it triggers. So, I am writing them out. Let's see if I keep needing that release or if I can turn this into some good news.

Maybe I'll use it as a food diary because those auto calculators drive me insane.