Still going...

If I know one thing about myself, it's that if I'm still at something after a week or two, I'm going to give it an honest go.

This time feels like one of these times. I've been eating clean #Whole30 now since Friday. That doesn't sound that impressive but for me, it's a lot. I was away for work at a conference and really I started on October 31--Halloween. However, I went to a research conference and ate dinner at one of the 2nd best restaurants in Canada and ate the gala dinner including the chocolate cake. I also had 1 latte with sugar free syrup. This wasn't the plan but it was considered ahead of time and I was okay with making the choices I did. I minimized any damage by eating my own food the whole way there, for breakfast and lunch at the conference, not having milk/sugar/sweetener in coffees during the conference, going to the gym at the conference and drinking lots of water. I was proud of that accomplishment. Then, I started from scratch on the 3rd when I returned from NB.

That feels like a lifetime ago. Because it is hard work. There is so much cooking, packing, dishes, emptying the green bin. We still have to work and increase our amount of green veg, but Im working on it. We are also doing well at meal planning. When I say we, I really have to mean me. My partner and I are fighting about our different ideas on what helping looks like. I'm still doing more than I feel that I should, working two jobs and then the lion share of cooking. She does the cleaning. I hope I can find a way to get across the amount of help that I need. Of course, asking her to stirfry chicken at 10 last night may have been unreasonable. But, I had been working until 9 and we went for a walk before I worked again until 11. It's one of those weeks and on those weeks, sometimes you need miracle workers to step in and help you. I don't feel like I have one of those and then I get grouchy.

We spent just about all day Sunday shopping for groceries that met the recipe plan. We are already off the recipe plan because of my work commitments. I will have to spend the evening cooking to get ready. Lucky, my 2nd job (teaching) is on fall break this week. I have some time to catch up.

I've been having really bad musculoskeletal pain in my hips, low back, and butt cheeks. I'm trying to work through that and I know some of it is getting back to CrossFit and trying to do so much hard work on a body that isn't used to doing much more than walking, hiking and kayaking since 2004. I was told that if I was an olympic athlete I would probably excel at Napping. I didn't know how to take that but when someone with special needs says something like that, it is usual unfiltered honesty.

I am a sucker for every marketing ploy right now. I've been following Yuri Elkhaim on Facebook. I'm so desperate for help that I'll take anything I can get. I bought a DVD about how to open hips last night. I don't even know what it does or if it is safe, I'm just having issues there and will try anything that might help me exercise more comfortably sooner.

It is times like these, when I realize how far and slow the journey will be, that I am tempted by things like Ideal Protein. It's such a hook to hear and remember how fast and "simple" it was the first time. How quick I was able to drop 30 lbs and feel the weight off my hips and my mobility improve so quickly. That's where I'm at...I need to drop weight to feel more loose and less in pain. But, to lose weight is so hard and I have to suffer so much in the process. I just have to keep the faith and space out workouts and go for walks in between and eventually I hope my body will say "Oh, this is what we are doing now" or my medical plan will reset and I will be able to afford to see a Physio or Massage or Chiro in seek of some solutions. It's hard to find solutions when you know the answer is that your body is rebelling on your sheer size. But, I do see people bigger than me being able to exercise without pain and spasms.

One day at a time. That's how I'm looking at it right now.

Knocked down ten, get up 11.

If there was a regular reader, I'm sure you are gone now. 

I'm back. 

I find the urge to blog is strong when I get hit in the face with reality. I've been running from reality since September. 

Let's recap, shall we.

Did Ideal Protein so strictly until December 2015. Was down to my lowest weight in forever, at almost 30 lbs lost. I was pushing close to 240. It was feeling so good. Then, I went to Spain and off the wagon and onto the beer and everything else that I could enjoy. 

I returned home in late December and went through New Years and then decided to get back on plan. I don't think I was ever successful at losing another new pound and by March 11, the hammer fell and I got laid off from my job and the amount of stress around this situation drove me into a downward spiral. At first, I ate well. Then my (good--there's still probably 100-200 bucks worth of IP stuff I never really wanted to eat like tomato basil soup) supplies ran out and my money was tight. Then, I started a job painting a cottage and the coworker I had hired loved to eat junk. Next thing you know, I was having a 2 week long take out festival. 

I got hired in May 2015 at the job I'm at now. It's a beautiful job. Intense though. By summer 2015 I had put back on the first 20 lbs. Then, by Fall 2015 I found the other 5-10. And, now I've found almost 20 more. 

In March 2011, I joined CrossFit. I learned how much these pounds over 250 hurt my body and my mobility. It hurts. Christ, it hurts to stand. My lower back will not give in to massage, chiro, stretching...it just wants out. My hips are tight. There is too much weight on my front to make anything comfortable. And it is so hard, I dread it. I wish I could just be winded and muscle sore like regular people. 

My clothes don't fit. My kayak is getting tight. I'm depressed. I don't move enough, I sit at my desk too long and I don't want to go out socially anymore. And, socially, I don't have as many options as I used to. I don't even know if that is good or bad because I would just feel like it was overwhelming to have plans...that's where my head is at. 

CrossFit was great. I started on a high and was loving it. I felt affirmed. I felt like I could do it and it would be good, and different. And, I would stick to it. Then I started traveling more for work and missing crucial workouts and letting down the people who believed in me. It's hard to stay committed to something that is hard, even when you love it so much. I got too excited when my weight lifting numbers were going up and like a dumbass, I injured my wrist in July. Then I had company. Then whatever excuse I used in September, then when I was going back in October I got sick. Always something. Until it becomes this huge monster that I can't face, and the shame and embarrassment sets in. I went back last Sunday. Haven't managed to make it back last week and tonight was a write off. So, I'm determined to go tomorrow. And, Thursday. And, then, Friday and Sunday. That will still salvage the week. 

I had been given an eating plan that was working but was so labour intensive. I am embarrassed that I couldn't stick to it. I am embarrassed that I don't have that much energy to devote to this...that just showing up is a challenge and eating 6 meals of 40 g protein isn't really doable at this juncture. There is a lot of shame in this process.

Also, I have come to realize that my previous healthy relationship with food goes from some weird "reckless abandon" and "fear" cycle where I'm scared to eat stuff or just say fuck it and eat everything. I wasn't like that before. And, that's all wrapped up in the shame about how I got to be this way in the first place. I get so worked up that I just want to change everything and fast, go back to IP, try something else. But, then I get remarks about how I don't stick to anything and I feel bad about that too.

Meanwhile, I've been battling the auto immune symptoms I get when my system is in crisis. All engines are blaring and I am in an inflammatory nightmare. I haven't had a real period since June or something. My acne is on full bust. I feel awful and can't sleep enough. Piedad has convinced me to start a Whole 30 cycle with her so we can support each other. And, wouldn't you know it I'm on the road again tomorrow.

I can barely keep it all together with teaching and working and I have just taken a new job. It is always exciting and yet, so hard to stay on track with anything. I also have my family needs which are many and time consuming. And, yes, I know I just have to find 1 hour for me each day. That's the mantra isn't it? But, it's more like 3 hours per day because the prep that comes with doing it right is so involved. And, I have had no success with just doing good enough. I can't even begin to start to think about what it will be like to find a way to track what I'm eating on top of the prep and exercise.

Freaking out!

Tomorrow, I have to get up and get a work out in as early as I can manage. Then pack my clothes--maybe I should do that tonight (as I think of this, I start worrying about if I will be able to walk around in my shoes at the conference and that I need some better shoes for a fat person but they were only bought for an interview and now that has turned into my one good outfit that fits and I need the shoes for the look--which is essentially the way my brain works right now...a running list of worries and complaints and sad things to think about). Then, I have to clean the car because dog hair. Then, go to work (obviously not on time) and create my presentation for the conference I'm speaking at on Thursday. Collect P from her appointment and then drive 4 hours to Saint John New Brunswick.  I have no idea what I will wear (what I can fit into) but I know what I will eat. This is a new thing. I have been on about 10-15 work trips this year and they are huge setbacks for anything I'm trying to do well.

I have tried to be proactive. I have packed foods. Work travel is my nemesis. This time I will have no wine, no coffee, no sugar, no muffins, no bread. I have a cooler and food packed and I have a fridge in my room.

I'm back on the wagon. I got through today. I want a muffin. It's halloween and there is gum that I don't even like in my living room that is whispering to me. I will not have it and tomorrow it will be gone.

I'm going to go sooth myself in a nice bath and hope I get it all done tomorrow. I feel like I push things off hoping that tomorrow I'll have more capacity or energy. I hope this time I'm right.

Oh, what triggered this? Well, I got a new scale. It does it all. I'm 55% fat. More than half of me is fat. And, the number is depressing that I had to do something with all the pent up emotions it triggers. So, I am writing them out. Let's see if I keep needing that release or if I can turn this into some good news.

Maybe I'll use it as a food diary because those auto calculators drive me insane.

Stress

It has been a long time since I wrote.

There are many reasons for that. The main one being that I have been teaching as well as working full time and I just can't find the time. Also, once I got the diet into a rhythm, I didn't need to blog as much to stay motivated. (famous last words). And, having mom reading the blog and using it to make digs and comments was getting disheartening. So, mom, if you are reading...keep your feedback to yourself :)

Christmas hiatus

We went to Spain at Christmas for 3 weeks. I had every intention of staying on plan. I really did. It didn't last past the long ass plane ride. For the most part, I made great choices and kept up with the exercise. But, Spain offered too much to sample and I couldn't keep back on the beers, wines, champagne and breads. Luckily, I kept active and my metabolism was in check so I only gained 1 pound. I came back and had a few drinks for New Years and got back at it again. 

Slipping and sliding

The main reason to never go off a diet is that it is so frigging hard to go back on. After Christmas came and left, I had a new idea that I could take little short cuts. It is winter, it is dark, it is cold, it is depressing and my energy is low and my outside time is hard. All I do is shovel. I was forgetting my vitamins and pushing it with the restricted snacks. Mostly because I was stressed, depressed and hungry. I was hungry because I still haven't gotten back into Ketosis. And, since I'm down about everything else, I slip. And, then when I slip, I harbour all the negative feelings about slipping and get mad and upset at myself which doesn't help at all. Then, I don't want to watch the chirpy helpful videos. 

So, I am going back to basics. "All In" as they say. Before it catches up. I haven't gained but I haven't lost since my lowest number before Christmas. 

That means journalling, vitamins, no exceptions. Not even the tiniest bit of salad dressing or a piece of meat that is off-plan. It means pee strips and following it to the letter. No Costco bars for restricted items, no veggie substitutions or subway salads in a pinch. Nothing but the pure plan. I already know that once I slip, I slide. I know that one bite of chocolate can ruin me for a week. One lunch, one dinner...it doesn't matter. I have to be strict. And, strict works! 

I have no idea how I will deal with the stress of the workplace added to the mix. My job feels like a carrot that is being dangled in front of me. It has been that way since August. Worse since Christmas. It doesn't matter how much I achieve, it is always me on the chopping block. I can't help but think some of it is to do with weight? This last week it has alternated between security and hope to devastation every second day. On Thursday, I left here depleted. On Friday, I left full of energy and excitement with the thoughts of permanence and some reward for my dedication and perseverance. Today, back to not having the position again. It's all speculation and in 3 weeks I'll know for sure if I'm laid off for good. But, all signs are pointing that way even though it's not fair or deserved. 

It's time to do something about it! I can't sit around and wait it out any more, I need to send out resumes. I'm starting tonight. While my healthy IP supper cooks.

I have to find a job immediately if I'm laid off, unemployment will barely cover my obligations--although about now, a break sure looks attractive. I will have to extend a loan to make it work and I certainly will not be able to afford IP. This would be devastating. So, the job hunt starts today.

I can say one thing, for an employer focused on health....they sure are playing a number on mine. This amount of stress and unfair treatment could kill someone.

Reaffirming goals

Now more than ever, I need to keep my eye on the prize. I want another 50 lbs by the summer. Regardless of whatever else happens, I need this to happen. This will only help me in the career search and to reach my other goals. Maybe it will all amount to nothing. But, I owe it to myself to be happy. I want to look back at this time of my life and think it was so silly because I should have known things will get better.

Things will get better. They always do. Stuff happens "just in time." It's hard to spin positive when you are feeling down. But, it is true...these things have a way of working themselves out. I have to be resilient and put my head down and charge through it. Usually, in the end, you come out even better when you lay yourself in fates hands. It is just so hard to do it in the moment. And, its such bullshit of a position to be in to start with. 

Downsizing

I'm into my 7th week on Ideal Protein now. I haven't been blogging as much...I think that might be because I've been enjoying life more and haven't found time to sit down. That and besides my girth, my work has been downsizing and I've been under stress about all of that. And, I've taken on another part time thing which is eating my time.

I have been doing well. I have more than 25 pounds off since September. I feel good, I'm done a size. I have more energy, I sleep better. I am happier.

It is worth every single penny.

This program isn't cheap. It is more than I can afford, but I have my mom and sister throwing in to help. But, I would get a second job to keep it going because it is the first thing that ever worked for me and it is just so easy to manage long term. 

Here are five observations I have after 7 weeks and more than $1000 in Ideal Protein food sampling.

Tips for Success

1. It is essential that you don't drink. This has been hard, it is party season. No booze, so hypoglycaemia, no extra strain on liver and kidneys, no impulse eating, no taxis (save $) and sure, the parties aren't so fun. But, clothes shopping remains a better high when I see the numbers go down. 

2. No cheating. I have the occasional splurge. I went for supper and had steak and lobster with a side salad. The 5 oz steak had bacon wrapped around it. I don't fuss when the extra is a little more fat or protein but I have to stay focused to ensure it doesn't creep up and add up. So far, I've been lucky.

3. One restricted a day max, but you don't have to have one every day. Those net carbs add up. 

4. What we buy in grocery stores is not turnip, it is rutabaga. Real turnip is small, cute and white. Rutabaga isn't allowed. It can add a lot of excess carbs. 

5. Tracking matters. 

6. The daily videos help with motivation and the support of friends and family is essential.

7. Water gets harder to drink but it has to stay part of the routine. It is essential to feeling full and maintaining hydration and weight loss. 

Ideal Protein Food Favourites

I have tried many of the foods and I will give them a star rating based on how I like them out of five. I really like most of the food. They do well with replacing the things you want and can come through in a punch when you need a fix of something that feels like a carb. 

Shakes

Vanilla *****

Chocolate*****

Cappuccino*****

Soups

Chicken a La King ****

Tomato Basil **

Mushroom ****

Chicken (not noodle) ***

Chili **** (r)

Pasta

Tomato Basil Rotini ***

Chicken Patties *****

Pudding

Vanilla *****

Banana*****

Chocolate***

Crisps

Dill Pickle Zippers ***** (r)

Salt and Vinegar Soy Crisps *****

Garlic Chive Soy Crisps ****

White Cheddar Puffs ***** (r)

Bars

Chocolate Caramel ***** (r)

Peanut Butter *****

Collagen

Cherry Jello *****

Complete Meals

Chicken Dijonnaise *****

ALCOHOL AND IDEAL PROTEIN

At this posting, I'm down 15 pounds since starting Ideal Protein. Down 18 since the end of summer. And, it feels good. Really good. I've never lost 18 pounds in one go before. This is huge for me. It would take a year on Weight Watchers to even come close to losing 15 pounds and I'd quit frustrated after about 2 months of up .6 and down .4's.

As I get more used to the program, I seem to be blogging less. Of course, not ceasing completely...just taking thoughts as they come in.

I watched a really interesting video today which really capped off my last week or so of life. It was a video from the program about why alcohol is not allowed. I have known some people who seem to drink on the program, and I hear that they get sick and have a bad hangover, but I am not willing to take the chance myself. First, it's a dedication thing. I want to stay on the diet as much as I possibly can to produce the most success. A lifestyle change this expensive should involve changing some "go - to" patterns, like having a drink or 10 at every party I go to.

I have managed to go to a lot of parties on this protocol. I have several different strategies I put into play to make myself enjoy it, and to not be tempted by the food and drinks.

1. Always plan the whole day around the party. I know in advance that I'm going to a party. I check with the host to see what is on the menu and what will be involved. Most of the parties I go to are hippie pot lucks. And, most of the people I know have some sort of food allergy or another to accommodate. So, this usually works in my favour. I have mostly found that not even thinking that I'll eat anything provided is better than thinking I'll try something and that I'll be able to eat something and not come prepared. On Sunday, this was the case, I brought a veggie tray and mostly ate a couple of meatballs and raw veggies. I did nibble one small piece of pakora to sample the cook's talent and had a couple slices of cured meat. All counted as my 8 oz protein and veggies though. 
2. Bring something I like to drink. My treat for myself is a carbonated water with lemon on ice. I always pour it in a glass and I drink 1 Litre bottle at a party. I refill my glass often and people often don't offer me a drink because I have something that looks like one. I do the same in restaurants and outside of this I typically drink water. So, it's pretty refreshing and a nice treat. I have not seen this impact my weight loss at all but I have heard different thoughts on carbonated waters. 
3. Have a plan, Have food. Sometimes I go to a party where the junk and carby food is lined up like a trough! I bring my own snacks, a bag of Ideal Protein Soy Crisps, An Ideal Protein Chocolate Bar, and a bag of cut veggies. Last time, I snacked on my chips and veggies and switched my lunch to the main meal so my Ideal Protein Crisps and veggies was my dinner. Then, I still had room for a bar as the party progressed. 
4. Go Later. Last evening I was invited to another birthday pot luck. I knew the food would be delicious and tempting and lots of strangers all engaged in the eating process. I decided to forfeit the pot luck and go later. I arrived as everyone was finished eating (after eating at home) and enjoyed sitting around and having a chat for the rest of the evening. I still had to decline about 10 offers for dessert but I was able to do so just fine. 

Every weekend there is a new thing going on. This weekend, I got through three. I cheated a little with a few pieces of cured meat and two or three small bits of 3 year old manchego cheese. But, I felt in control and invested in the diet plan. And, ready for anything. I did count the cured meats off of my total ounces but I'm not quite sure where they stand.

But, why no alcohol? 

The calories in alcohol are "empty calories". They provide no nutritional value whatsoever and no cell in the body can use ethyl alcohol as a fuel source. Moreover, alcohol is a toxin which the liver must transform into non-toxic substances. During the weight loss phases of the diet, the liver is "busy" transforming fatty acids into ketonic bodies (ketogenesis) and transforming certain amino acids to glucose as well as the glycerol fractions of triglycerides (ie. gluconeogenesis.) When you drink alcohol, getting rid of this toxin becomes your liver's #1 job and fat burning is compromised...slowing down weight loss and possibly even triggering hypoglycemia (to an extent where you may even pass out). 

In the end, it is just not worth it to me. This diet protocol works because it causes great changes in the body. Changes on a cellular level. The doctors who created the protocol intend for you to not cheat. The foods allowed were chosen thoughtfully for the maximum success and minimum health risks. Ketoacidosis is not to be taken lightly or something for anyone to play with. 

And, that's why I won't drink on the protocol. 

What about other cheats? 

I have been struggling with eating the Ideal Protein Crispy Cereal and the Ideal Protein Restricted flake syle cereal. Adding the water to the powder to create "not milk" creates a by product that I find kind of slimy. I committed to choking these two boxes back until they are done as they cost so damn much. I have heard that almond milk isn't allowed. I did see on this Ideal Protein clinic site that a half cup is okay. I tried 1/2 cup of unsweetened almond milk in my cereal and it was delicious. I was actually sad to finish the last two packs. Now, I'm working through the restricted ones. I posted this to a discussion group and sort of got a bit of flack for it. I do believe, however, that I know what I'm doing and that the person who had the criticism seems to cheat every other week with much bigger things than a 1 carbohydrate, 1 protein and 20 calorie 100ml of milk. I don't think I'll buy the cereal again, but I will use the almond milk as my crutch to get through the last box unless someone tells me a really good reason why not to.