3.5 WEEKS

I almost feel like there's not much to write, but the truth of the matter is that there's always something. The work is sometimes digging in to pull it out.

I have been hungry again lately. Almost like I'm out of ketosis. I've also been not journaling and when I opened the page today, I realize that I fell behind since Friday. Trying to remember what you ate since Friday is very difficult. So, I filled it in as best I could (good thing there's a lot of structure and I've committed to eating the Ideal Protein rice and flaked cereal until it is gone--only 8 packs to go) and committed to doing better going forward.

I think my PMS and hormones are messing with me. I have not had a cycle since September. I have the occasional phantom cramp and appetite fluctuations and bloating. I have been drinking craploads of water and when I go out, I have sparkling water instead of alcohol. I haven't cheated in the typical way, but occasionally the places I am don't have things that are on the diet. For example, I had a Caesar salad at a restaurant last night where the dressing and grated Romano wasn't on the plan. I chose this knowing that I would be choosing fat in lieu of carbs which is less likely to kick me off ketosis. It's not the worst cheat but I am worried about the slide that comes with the little slips here and there. I feel good knowing that I didn't even have a sip of wine and drank 2 litres of sparkling water through the concert. I know it could be worse.

Sometimes I think I am just in too much of a rush to get the weight off and that I am comparing myself to other people's success or weight loss. I have done 11 lbs in 3 weeks. If this stayed consistent, I'd be over the moon.

Already, 3.5 weeks in I need to remind myself to do the following more. If I don't do this, I really wont have any idea if my weight loss (or lack of) is my fault or if the program is really working:

• measure veggies and weigh meat - guess work can cost expensive pounds
• journal everything to track hunger patterns
• get out for a nice walk lunch time 

The weather has been horrible and cold. I've been fighting something. I didn't have the right supplies. All of these are valid excuses but they aren't enough reason to not do this right. 

And, then I need to give myself a break. 

I have just received my order from Low Carb Grocery with lots of goodies like gum, shirataki noodles, 0-0-0 sauces and dressings in packages I can take in my purse. This alleviates the salad issue at restaurants. 

Other people's shit

I was on Facebook today (the best place to go if you are feeling shitty and down about yourself, NOT) and noticed that a friend of mine lost 35lbs this summer. This friend has lots of money, two beautiful kids, a cottage and all kinds of fun toys. She can pay someone to work out for her, or to cook and prep her meals (I don't think she does though). I have another friend who just lost 20 pounds by "stopped eating a big bag of chips every night" while eating at midscale and fine dining at least four days a week.  Of course weight loss comes easy to them! Some people just seem to struggle less in life and that's good, in reality I'm happy for them and would prefer it this way much more than to see them struggle. But, god, I wish I'd get a break sometimes. I mean, I can't do much more here! 

However, it got me to thinking about the past two times I spent time with that one friend and her family. I have had a good connection with her kids. They are very sweet and well behaved. Last Christmas, I was looking after them while the parents were out and when I tucked the older girl into bed and bent over to give her a goodnight kiss on the forehead, she told me I was too fat to bend over. I was dumbstruck. I corrected her that it wasn't nice to say people are fat and that I was quite capable of bending, thank you. I laughed it off as "out of the mouths of babes" but the judgement and awareness bothered me. It bothered me that she knew what fat was and that there could be such a thing as too much of it. She judged me for being overweight. At 8 years old! Then, this past summer, she said she was reluctant to go on the tube behind the jet ski with me because I was too heavy and might sink it (I did wonder about the weight rating of the tow-able but as it is designed for four adults, I decided it would be safe for me and two half-pint kids).

The point of all of this is my curiosity about where this 8 year old obtains these judgements? There is no doubt that she loves me and has no idea how jarring and hurtful those comments could be. There is also no doubt that she speaks similarly to other kids at school who have a weight issue. But, kids don't learn these things on their own. I wonder through her mother's dieting has she learned that fat is something to be despised and that food is to be feared. I really worry about that. 

My shit

I worry about how kids learn and develop these judgements that skinny equals good and fat equals bad. I wonder where anyone develops the notion that overweight people are less than, to be "othered" and that it is obviously their fault for being in that condition. 

While I sit and wonder this, I worry that my particular issues may never disappear and that this diet will be like the long string of others that just don't work. And, that is very scary. 

Ultimately I want to love myself for what's on the inside. And, I want to rid myself of the ideas I have about weight that come from a very complex cycle of development. It was constructed by me and by those I interacted with from an early age. It's also reinforced by my declining popularity as I gain size. I used to be surrounded with shallow people who loved to spend time in my company and fill my house. I would hazard to guess that many of these people are embarrassed to be seen with me as I've creeped higher and higher on the scale. And, perhaps it is not them but my internalization of self criticism and loathing that makes it all just a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time I am not invited to a party, snubbed by someone I used to know, looked over for a career opportunity/advancement, I blame it on the weight. It doesn't make it true. It's that whole separation between correlation and causation. It could be that I've become so insecure that I don't put off the warmth that drew others in, the confidence that begets confidence in me. There's so much to do here beyond losing weight. 

Regardless, there's a lot of negativity in there. I don't think losing weight is the solution. It alleviates the symptoms but really its a problem that's a lot bigger than me.