That's been kind of a theme the last two days anyhow, giving ignorance airtime. The way that people react to awful things is less than okay. The events in Ottawa have set our Country on some divisive witch hunt and warpath, while the other half mourns peace and our soldiers and the possibility that our naive feeling of safety may have just been that--naive.
I woke up this morning feeling kind of rough. I had my flu shot yesterday and I think it tired me out. This is normal because your body does raise your antigens to fight off the injected flu. That's how you develop immunity. Anyway, I was feeling down and questioning...is this just water weight? Will I lose tomorrow? What if it doesn't work.
I think it comes from too many efforts and so much blame. Blame from myself. Blame from others. Blame from doctors.
My dieting OCD
I worry right down to the minutae, the last gram of measurement. I stress because yesterday we had soup. Piedad made it and I know she didn't weigh the chicken or properly measure the veggies. I know that I can eyeball my cucumber when they are in a 2 cup container. But, I feel like I need to be more scientific. Like somehow, I failed to calculate the air that comes between each slice or that I need to cut it up into fine bits for accuracy (but grosser eating). Or, with cabbage, how do I account for the fact that shredded cabbage takes up less room than chunked. This gives me stress. I worry that if I don't measure this just so, and I don't always know for sure, that I will not lose. And, I so desperately want to lose--I want 100 lbs yesterday. What if I had too much sodium and am retaining water? Where is my period anyhow--could that make me keep weight that I should be shedding? SO MUCH ANXIETY! I don't have to be perfect everyday. I am sure that I have a tiny amount of wiggle room for perfection but I'm so used to being so broken that no other diet worked with or without a bit of wiggle room.
It's all highs and lows. Most of the time, though, I feel very high and happy and excited.
I have tried so many things and have failed. Some of that was on me and my consistency, sure. But, consistently I've tried things and started out so strong and then hit a 10 lb wall and not went any further. This time, I will feel better once I hit the 20 lb mark. Hopefully that won't take too long. That will be more than I have ever done before, in the past 13 years since I gained this weight in the first place. I'm already seeing small wins...the pants I bought before I started the diet now fit and then I had trouble getting them fastened. Small wins.
Then Monday is my birthday and I have to figure out how to feel like I celebrated it without the typical booze, food and cake. No issue. I'm going hiking.
And, I'm already worrying about my Christmas vacation. We are heading to Spain for 3 weeks and it is my first time there. I feel like I will want to eat and drink my way through the place. But, I have lots of time to make a game plan. It will be okay.
Tomorrow is a new day and I'm off to get weighed. I hope the results are something that can motivate me for another round of obsessiveness and self doubt. I've been a good girl, so I really hope it shows.
On the plus side
We have eaten through every bit of vegetable in our fridge in a systematic way. We have had literally zero waste.
So, I'm off to get groceries again.
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