There are many reasons for that. The main one being that I have been teaching as well as working full time and I just can't find the time. Also, once I got the diet into a rhythm, I didn't need to blog as much to stay motivated. (famous last words). And, having mom reading the blog and using it to make digs and comments was getting disheartening. So, mom, if you are reading...keep your feedback to yourself :)
Christmas hiatus
We went to Spain at Christmas for 3 weeks. I had every intention of staying on plan. I really did. It didn't last past the long ass plane ride. For the most part, I made great choices and kept up with the exercise. But, Spain offered too much to sample and I couldn't keep back on the beers, wines, champagne and breads. Luckily, I kept active and my metabolism was in check so I only gained 1 pound. I came back and had a few drinks for New Years and got back at it again.
Slipping and sliding
The main reason to never go off a diet is that it is so frigging hard to go back on. After Christmas came and left, I had a new idea that I could take little short cuts. It is winter, it is dark, it is cold, it is depressing and my energy is low and my outside time is hard. All I do is shovel. I was forgetting my vitamins and pushing it with the restricted snacks. Mostly because I was stressed, depressed and hungry. I was hungry because I still haven't gotten back into Ketosis. And, since I'm down about everything else, I slip. And, then when I slip, I harbour all the negative feelings about slipping and get mad and upset at myself which doesn't help at all. Then, I don't want to watch the chirpy helpful videos.
So, I am going back to basics. "All In" as they say. Before it catches up. I haven't gained but I haven't lost since my lowest number before Christmas.
That means journalling, vitamins, no exceptions. Not even the tiniest bit of salad dressing or a piece of meat that is off-plan. It means pee strips and following it to the letter. No Costco bars for restricted items, no veggie substitutions or subway salads in a pinch. Nothing but the pure plan. I already know that once I slip, I slide. I know that one bite of chocolate can ruin me for a week. One lunch, one dinner...it doesn't matter. I have to be strict. And, strict works!
I have no idea how I will deal with the stress of the workplace added to the mix. My job feels like a carrot that is being dangled in front of me. It has been that way since August. Worse since Christmas. It doesn't matter how much I achieve, it is always me on the chopping block. I can't help but think some of it is to do with weight? This last week it has alternated between security and hope to devastation every second day. On Thursday, I left here depleted. On Friday, I left full of energy and excitement with the thoughts of permanence and some reward for my dedication and perseverance. Today, back to not having the position again. It's all speculation and in 3 weeks I'll know for sure if I'm laid off for good. But, all signs are pointing that way even though it's not fair or deserved.
It's time to do something about it! I can't sit around and wait it out any more, I need to send out resumes. I'm starting tonight. While my healthy IP supper cooks.
I have to find a job immediately if I'm laid off, unemployment will barely cover my obligations--although about now, a break sure looks attractive. I will have to extend a loan to make it work and I certainly will not be able to afford IP. This would be devastating. So, the job hunt starts today.
I can say one thing, for an employer focused on health....they sure are playing a number on mine. This amount of stress and unfair treatment could kill someone.
Reaffirming goals
Now more than ever, I need to keep my eye on the prize. I want another 50 lbs by the summer. Regardless of whatever else happens, I need this to happen. This will only help me in the career search and to reach my other goals. Maybe it will all amount to nothing. But, I owe it to myself to be happy. I want to look back at this time of my life and think it was so silly because I should have known things will get better.
Things will get better. They always do. Stuff happens "just in time." It's hard to spin positive when you are feeling down. But, it is true...these things have a way of working themselves out. I have to be resilient and put my head down and charge through it. Usually, in the end, you come out even better when you lay yourself in fates hands. It is just so hard to do it in the moment. And, its such bullshit of a position to be in to start with.
