Ups and Downs..beyond the scale

It's been a while since I posted. But, that's because I've been busy creating posting fodder.

I have been sliding a bit on the Whole 30 reset. I had lost some good weight there after Christmas and if I were to weigh today, I'm hovering around 20 lbs down I think. 

I got sick and there was just too much to take care of. I also go swept off my feet completely.

I met a girl that shook me to my foundation. She was perfect. Everything that I'd ever wondered was out there. It just turns out that she wasn't able to be with a woman. It's so confusing too because she described it as opposite to what I am. I can't connect intimately with men but I find them attractive. It's really sad, like I'm feeling a huge loss. But, as usual, I am brushing myself off and keep trying to be positive and believe that the universe has a plan for me. It's hard to think like that when the world is in the shape it is in and so full of hatred and terror...like how selfish is it that I want a happy life? That statement reeks of the disgusting privilege it carries. But, good breeds good right? I have to believe this or I'd get depressed and never come out of it. 

Amos Lee says it best: 

"I don't want to see you again, I don't want to feel your breath, as you leaned on me so peacefully while we slept...And, I'll do my best, just to forget the dreams we dreamt." 

Isn't it really that what it's all about? There are all these rules around dating and falling in love but none of it belongs to reason. You fall for someone in proportion to the dreams they bring to your heart. To the connection and possibility you feel they bring to make your life something extra. The ability to look into the future and see them there. The ability to find enough peace to nap together and feel like you are in the best place you could possibly be.

I should have known when she didn't know what Blundstones were. Next time, there will be a skill testing question before I engage with a very powerful girl without labels. 

Now I'm left to find the lesson. If it wasn't to find the person who is to be my future...why did it shake me up? Maybe to just know that there were good things out there. Maybe to let me unleash the OCD grip on myself that I can be good enough for someone without being perfect? Maybe to learn how little weight matters when real connection is there. This girl was probably the biggest person I'd ever dated and I thought she was so stunning and it wasn't even the slightest bit of importance. So, maybe that's the lesson. The lesson is that if I can fall head over heels for someone regardless of body type, than maybe someone could do the same for me? I sure hope so. I need something good like that to happen soon, I'm getting old and I don't want to spend my life alone.

Having that thought, I remembered Peter Davidson's Gift of the Hit. I have to go read that book. He reminds us that when shitty things happen, we have two choices: attitude of gratitude or stinkin thinkin. I am wired to defer to stinkin thinking (self pity) but I have made a life's commitment to be more open to the positive. I really believe that happiness is a choice and there is no one more determined to find theirs than me. Then, I dawdled to Peter's site and ended on his page about the Mussenden Temple and now I truly believe that I am being directed to visit there while I'm in Ireland in September, it wasn't on my original itinerary so that's surely something. Maybe if I wish for my happiness on a dream sheet and stick it in that magical place, I'll find my family that I want so badly. Not a bad idea. A good afternoon's work, if you ask me.

Wow.

Well, here I am one month later. I have not gained any back, and I've lost just about a pound or 2 since the last post.

I took it easier on myself through the rest of December and the holidays. I had to. I didn't slip or slide...I just let it be and worked my best while not watching things as closely.

I'm now into the first week of my second round of whole 30 and I'm stricter. I like that I took a bit of a break and didn't gain too badly.

I have been easing into the New Year. Coming home was full of sadness...an empty house and all that. I have a roommate now and while I didn't know how I would feel about it, I think it is a good thing.

The next part of my goal is to keep cooking and taking care of the house while expanding to getting back into the evening walk and to get back to the gym for CrossFit. I also need to continue the momentum with recipes and weekend clean eating (which hasn't really been a problem) so I am well prepared for those times when I'm busy.

I have ordered a new stove and I have to say, I'm pretty excited about it. My old stove is kind of in it's decline and takes longer than things should to cook. I now have a true convection oven that also does dehumidifying etc. I'm excited to be able to cook things faster and slower, depending on what is needed. And, as usual, I will continue with my trusty slowcooker about 3x a week for the big cuts of meat that I can only seem to cook well in there.

The types of things I've been eating are:

Balsamic Roast Beef (Slowcooker)
http://www.primallyinspired.com/crockpot-balsamic-roast-beef/
Scotch Breakfast Sausage Eggs
https://stupideasypaleo.com/2013/11/23/paleo-breakfast-sausage-scotch-eggs/
Spiced Baked Chicken Drummies
http://www.sexymoxiemama.com/2015/10/21/the-best-baked-drumsticks-whole-30/
For this recipe I also tried it on pork chops and chicken breast...not so much a fan.
Apple Cider Pulled Pork 
http://whole30.com/2016/03/whole30-slow-cooker-recipes-part-three/
I did this recipe with 1 cut up apple (no apple cider), 2 T of apple cider vinegar, and 2 T of liquid hickory smoke. To DIE for. I used a rib roast as well, because that's what I have. I also used red onion.
Fajitas (strips beef and peppers and onion stir fried with this seasoning) 
http://www.thepinningmama.com/fajita-seasoning-mix-paleo-whole30-compliant/
Shepherds Pie
http://true-hw.com/blog/2016/02/11/whole-30-shepherds-pie
I also do my Shepherds Pie with some clove, nutmeg and allspice in the meat mix and cinnamon in the sweet potato for a more indian tasting dish.

The other thing I eat a lot of is steamed salmon, or poached in vinegar. Be careful about your salmon sources. I usually buy frozen at sea wild pacific. I am a bit skittish about that but I'd rather chance radiation over farmed salmon.

Sides
I've been lazy with sides. I often have baked sweet potatoes, regular potatoes, and squash. And, I did up 4 lbs of boiled beets and bottled them in just pure vinegar. So good!

I also do mashed turnip and carrots with olive oil, salt, and pepper.

I have basically been trying to stretch whatever is in the fridge until grocery day so that involves meal planning with whatever it is that I have. Usually, I will just google whatever recipe in whatever cooking way I can.