I have been sliding a bit on the Whole 30 reset. I had lost some good weight there after Christmas and if I were to weigh today, I'm hovering around 20 lbs down I think.
I got sick and there was just too much to take care of. I also go swept off my feet completely.
I met a girl that shook me to my foundation. She was perfect. Everything that I'd ever wondered was out there. It just turns out that she wasn't able to be with a woman. It's so confusing too because she described it as opposite to what I am. I can't connect intimately with men but I find them attractive. It's really sad, like I'm feeling a huge loss. But, as usual, I am brushing myself off and keep trying to be positive and believe that the universe has a plan for me. It's hard to think like that when the world is in the shape it is in and so full of hatred and terror...like how selfish is it that I want a happy life? That statement reeks of the disgusting privilege it carries. But, good breeds good right? I have to believe this or I'd get depressed and never come out of it.
Amos Lee says it best:
"I don't want to see you again, I don't want to feel your breath, as you leaned on me so peacefully while we slept...And, I'll do my best, just to forget the dreams we dreamt."
Isn't it really that what it's all about? There are all these rules around dating and falling in love but none of it belongs to reason. You fall for someone in proportion to the dreams they bring to your heart. To the connection and possibility you feel they bring to make your life something extra. The ability to look into the future and see them there. The ability to find enough peace to nap together and feel like you are in the best place you could possibly be.
I should have known when she didn't know what Blundstones were. Next time, there will be a skill testing question before I engage with a very powerful girl without labels.
Now I'm left to find the lesson. If it wasn't to find the person who is to be my future...why did it shake me up? Maybe to just know that there were good things out there. Maybe to let me unleash the OCD grip on myself that I can be good enough for someone without being perfect? Maybe to learn how little weight matters when real connection is there. This girl was probably the biggest person I'd ever dated and I thought she was so stunning and it wasn't even the slightest bit of importance. So, maybe that's the lesson. The lesson is that if I can fall head over heels for someone regardless of body type, than maybe someone could do the same for me? I sure hope so. I need something good like that to happen soon, I'm getting old and I don't want to spend my life alone.
Having that thought, I remembered Peter Davidson's Gift of the Hit. I have to go read that book. He reminds us that when shitty things happen, we have two choices: attitude of gratitude or stinkin thinkin. I am wired to defer to stinkin thinking (self pity) but I have made a life's commitment to be more open to the positive. I really believe that happiness is a choice and there is no one more determined to find theirs than me. Then, I dawdled to Peter's site and ended on his page about the Mussenden Temple and now I truly believe that I am being directed to visit there while I'm in Ireland in September, it wasn't on my original itinerary so that's surely something. Maybe if I wish for my happiness on a dream sheet and stick it in that magical place, I'll find my family that I want so badly. Not a bad idea. A good afternoon's work, if you ask me.
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