I'm down 16.9 lbs. This is huge for me. I feel great, I have a tonne more energy and I am making it through.
I do struggle with eating meals and having appetite in the weekends but I think that is to be expected as I have to come up with an entirely new weekend routine.
My partner left. I'm sad about it. I thought that five years was basically meaning forever. But, there were always flags and I'm sure both of us would realistically be happier with people who were more like them.
Since she has been gone, I've been 100% about me. If you knew me, you'd be shocked by this revelation. It's like a toddler learning to walk.
I've been still, quiet, cleaning, listening to music, cooking and walking the dog two times a day. I take care of my needs and listen to see if I know what they are. I plan, I organize, I try to find comfort internally. It turns out that I can do that and I'm not so bad at it. I don't actually need yoga or meditation, just space, quiet and freedom from the constant barrage of criticism and micro-aggression. It takes a lot of time to do things well for yourself. To clean house, to walk the dog before daylight, to cook healthy food. But, I'm doing it. And, at the end of the day I feel better and then there is no time for my usual tv show to wind down -- but I don't need it because I'm dog tired.
I've been sad that I haven't seen more friends, but in a way it is a blessing. I am learning to do this alone. The weekends are hard but I'm doing it. I'm taking the time to get to those projects that I needed to do. I've put my house on Air BNB to try to recoup the other 50% of my mortgage payment.
There are a lot of feelings to process. A lot of things to work through. A lot of understanding.
I didn't get much help from that because one day I came home and she was gone. No conversations, explanations. Nothing. It hurts to be left like that. To be broken up with on Facebook Messenger after learning that other people knew you were done before you. But, isn't it great to try to leave behind all the shitty parts of a relationship when the ex walks out the door?
I don't know how to explain it but I think that for 5 years, I was living trying to be good enough to be loved right. Like, to be good enough to pass criticism or analysis that was constantly happening in her view of the world. To just be loved and showered with it? Perhaps I'm delusional but that's kind of how I love. I could tell you every single thing about her, I studied her and just loved her, and I wouldn't have changed a thing. She was always diagnosing me...anger problem, ADD...something always wrong when I put up fight against anything or tried to create something of my own. Of course I got angry. There were many things that I couldn't resolve that made me angry and resentful. Pulling an unequal weight while someone does some grading work and spends most of her day focused on her needs (colouring and doing yoga) while you work 2 jobs and most nights still have to cook supper and run a house would do that to anyone. To be told not to want material things and that money is a sickness, but then to see her spending more in markers and pens than you do on clothes...To be told you will never get married because she doesn't want another divorce and to learn that she talks to her ex wife for hours every week on the phone while you are at work. Yeah, that's enough to piss a person off. I don't think I have an anger problem. I think I had a putting up with shit problem that went on far too long.
Turns out, I'm quite able to focus when the negativity in my house is gone. I am able to turn up the music, turn on whatever light I want, light a candle and just be there. I get lonely, but I think that is good.
All of this change has created the perfect environment to
