Knocked down ten, get up 11.

If there was a regular reader, I'm sure you are gone now. 

I'm back. 

I find the urge to blog is strong when I get hit in the face with reality. I've been running from reality since September. 

Let's recap, shall we.

Did Ideal Protein so strictly until December 2015. Was down to my lowest weight in forever, at almost 30 lbs lost. I was pushing close to 240. It was feeling so good. Then, I went to Spain and off the wagon and onto the beer and everything else that I could enjoy. 

I returned home in late December and went through New Years and then decided to get back on plan. I don't think I was ever successful at losing another new pound and by March 11, the hammer fell and I got laid off from my job and the amount of stress around this situation drove me into a downward spiral. At first, I ate well. Then my (good--there's still probably 100-200 bucks worth of IP stuff I never really wanted to eat like tomato basil soup) supplies ran out and my money was tight. Then, I started a job painting a cottage and the coworker I had hired loved to eat junk. Next thing you know, I was having a 2 week long take out festival. 

I got hired in May 2015 at the job I'm at now. It's a beautiful job. Intense though. By summer 2015 I had put back on the first 20 lbs. Then, by Fall 2015 I found the other 5-10. And, now I've found almost 20 more. 

In March 2011, I joined CrossFit. I learned how much these pounds over 250 hurt my body and my mobility. It hurts. Christ, it hurts to stand. My lower back will not give in to massage, chiro, stretching...it just wants out. My hips are tight. There is too much weight on my front to make anything comfortable. And it is so hard, I dread it. I wish I could just be winded and muscle sore like regular people. 

My clothes don't fit. My kayak is getting tight. I'm depressed. I don't move enough, I sit at my desk too long and I don't want to go out socially anymore. And, socially, I don't have as many options as I used to. I don't even know if that is good or bad because I would just feel like it was overwhelming to have plans...that's where my head is at. 

CrossFit was great. I started on a high and was loving it. I felt affirmed. I felt like I could do it and it would be good, and different. And, I would stick to it. Then I started traveling more for work and missing crucial workouts and letting down the people who believed in me. It's hard to stay committed to something that is hard, even when you love it so much. I got too excited when my weight lifting numbers were going up and like a dumbass, I injured my wrist in July. Then I had company. Then whatever excuse I used in September, then when I was going back in October I got sick. Always something. Until it becomes this huge monster that I can't face, and the shame and embarrassment sets in. I went back last Sunday. Haven't managed to make it back last week and tonight was a write off. So, I'm determined to go tomorrow. And, Thursday. And, then, Friday and Sunday. That will still salvage the week. 

I had been given an eating plan that was working but was so labour intensive. I am embarrassed that I couldn't stick to it. I am embarrassed that I don't have that much energy to devote to this...that just showing up is a challenge and eating 6 meals of 40 g protein isn't really doable at this juncture. There is a lot of shame in this process.

Also, I have come to realize that my previous healthy relationship with food goes from some weird "reckless abandon" and "fear" cycle where I'm scared to eat stuff or just say fuck it and eat everything. I wasn't like that before. And, that's all wrapped up in the shame about how I got to be this way in the first place. I get so worked up that I just want to change everything and fast, go back to IP, try something else. But, then I get remarks about how I don't stick to anything and I feel bad about that too.

Meanwhile, I've been battling the auto immune symptoms I get when my system is in crisis. All engines are blaring and I am in an inflammatory nightmare. I haven't had a real period since June or something. My acne is on full bust. I feel awful and can't sleep enough. Piedad has convinced me to start a Whole 30 cycle with her so we can support each other. And, wouldn't you know it I'm on the road again tomorrow.

I can barely keep it all together with teaching and working and I have just taken a new job. It is always exciting and yet, so hard to stay on track with anything. I also have my family needs which are many and time consuming. And, yes, I know I just have to find 1 hour for me each day. That's the mantra isn't it? But, it's more like 3 hours per day because the prep that comes with doing it right is so involved. And, I have had no success with just doing good enough. I can't even begin to start to think about what it will be like to find a way to track what I'm eating on top of the prep and exercise.

Freaking out!

Tomorrow, I have to get up and get a work out in as early as I can manage. Then pack my clothes--maybe I should do that tonight (as I think of this, I start worrying about if I will be able to walk around in my shoes at the conference and that I need some better shoes for a fat person but they were only bought for an interview and now that has turned into my one good outfit that fits and I need the shoes for the look--which is essentially the way my brain works right now...a running list of worries and complaints and sad things to think about). Then, I have to clean the car because dog hair. Then, go to work (obviously not on time) and create my presentation for the conference I'm speaking at on Thursday. Collect P from her appointment and then drive 4 hours to Saint John New Brunswick.  I have no idea what I will wear (what I can fit into) but I know what I will eat. This is a new thing. I have been on about 10-15 work trips this year and they are huge setbacks for anything I'm trying to do well.

I have tried to be proactive. I have packed foods. Work travel is my nemesis. This time I will have no wine, no coffee, no sugar, no muffins, no bread. I have a cooler and food packed and I have a fridge in my room.

I'm back on the wagon. I got through today. I want a muffin. It's halloween and there is gum that I don't even like in my living room that is whispering to me. I will not have it and tomorrow it will be gone.

I'm going to go sooth myself in a nice bath and hope I get it all done tomorrow. I feel like I push things off hoping that tomorrow I'll have more capacity or energy. I hope this time I'm right.

Oh, what triggered this? Well, I got a new scale. It does it all. I'm 55% fat. More than half of me is fat. And, the number is depressing that I had to do something with all the pent up emotions it triggers. So, I am writing them out. Let's see if I keep needing that release or if I can turn this into some good news.

Maybe I'll use it as a food diary because those auto calculators drive me insane.